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Empty, Hollow Heartaches
Apr. 20th, 2006 02:04 amI've been busy, playing KH2, drowning my sorrows and emptiness in kool-aid, trying to forget the fact my heart has been taken away. Not in the way you'd all expect, though... I'm not in love, really. But...well, I'm not one to drone on about my problems, so let's just say I've been through alot of medical problems and shit and I have trouble trusting/connecting to people.
So anyways, I only have two people I can really rely on in real life. Two people to lean on, and two people to catch me when I fall.... As I said, i'm not really trusting in real life. I didn't even trust them... But after a missunderstanding we went through, which lead me to basically rip my heart out to keep from hurting, they asked me just to rely on them and let them be my support for once.
I am not a talker, and I don't like feeling weak, and so crying, spilling my emotions and burdening others to me, in my mind, makes me weak. I want to help everyone I can, and so, by burdening others with my problems or taking alot of time for myself seems so horribly selfish. And so, to rely on someone... It scares me. I don't think they knew what they were asking when they asked me to rely on them. I don't think they were expecting the entire package. My emotions, my thoughts, everything that I hate, like, love and whatnot, and my heart...or whatever was left of it that wasn't already broken.
In essence, they've become my light, hope, heart, and everything... I feel so empty without them. I feel truely alive around them, they make me truely happy. I mean, i can feel glad and happy...but it's not the same happy I get being around them. I laugh and smile alot more with them around, I'm more expressive, they make me so out of character when they're around...
Which is sadly, not very often... The closer they are to me physically, or when we're talking online, the more happy and alive/radiant I feel, and nothing can make me really down or angry. But the farther they are, the more empty and hollow and dead inside I feel. And it's a double-edged sword, too. They could easily use that against me. I am very paranoid about that and I keep myself closed off. I'll help others, be compassionate and caring and help them all out, but I don't want anything in return, nor do I really want to open up. And after getting stabbed in the back by those two (I mentioned the missunderstanding) I didn't think I'd trust them again.
I still feel, though it seems rather dull and lifeless when they're not around. It truely is amazing what the heart does... They've got me wrapped around their fingers and I would do absolutely anything they asked me to do.
Thankfully, they don't want much. Just for me to smile and be there for them. Which is something I will always do...
If anyone in the world deserves what's left of my heart, it's them. My brothers. I love you two so much (and you too, Ammon!) even though I doubt you'll ever read this... But anyway. Enough of my ranting, i'm going to bed. Lates!
~Seira
So anyways, I only have two people I can really rely on in real life. Two people to lean on, and two people to catch me when I fall.... As I said, i'm not really trusting in real life. I didn't even trust them... But after a missunderstanding we went through, which lead me to basically rip my heart out to keep from hurting, they asked me just to rely on them and let them be my support for once.
I am not a talker, and I don't like feeling weak, and so crying, spilling my emotions and burdening others to me, in my mind, makes me weak. I want to help everyone I can, and so, by burdening others with my problems or taking alot of time for myself seems so horribly selfish. And so, to rely on someone... It scares me. I don't think they knew what they were asking when they asked me to rely on them. I don't think they were expecting the entire package. My emotions, my thoughts, everything that I hate, like, love and whatnot, and my heart...or whatever was left of it that wasn't already broken.
In essence, they've become my light, hope, heart, and everything... I feel so empty without them. I feel truely alive around them, they make me truely happy. I mean, i can feel glad and happy...but it's not the same happy I get being around them. I laugh and smile alot more with them around, I'm more expressive, they make me so out of character when they're around...
Which is sadly, not very often... The closer they are to me physically, or when we're talking online, the more happy and alive/radiant I feel, and nothing can make me really down or angry. But the farther they are, the more empty and hollow and dead inside I feel. And it's a double-edged sword, too. They could easily use that against me. I am very paranoid about that and I keep myself closed off. I'll help others, be compassionate and caring and help them all out, but I don't want anything in return, nor do I really want to open up. And after getting stabbed in the back by those two (I mentioned the missunderstanding) I didn't think I'd trust them again.
I still feel, though it seems rather dull and lifeless when they're not around. It truely is amazing what the heart does... They've got me wrapped around their fingers and I would do absolutely anything they asked me to do.
Thankfully, they don't want much. Just for me to smile and be there for them. Which is something I will always do...
If anyone in the world deserves what's left of my heart, it's them. My brothers. I love you two so much (and you too, Ammon!) even though I doubt you'll ever read this... But anyway. Enough of my ranting, i'm going to bed. Lates!
~Seira
